Keep Dreaming, Ellen...

When I was in first grade I remember we made ceramic Christmas ornaments as a family.  I loved painting my Christmas tree ornament.  What I didn't know at the time was how much my parents were struggling financially.  I don't remember what I asked Santa for that year.  I do remember how much fun we had creating those family treasures.

Christmas is a time of reflection for me, and it can be difficult because of the losses I've experienced and the dreams I haven't realized yet.   Note I said yet.  

One tradition I started after my Mom passed away was I watch as many Hallmark Christmas movies as I can.  These happy predictable stories have helped me to stay positive and to deal with my grief.  They are exactly the kind of movies we would have enjoyed together on a Sunday afternoon.  When I'm watching these movies I am reminded of the time we spent enjoying each other's presence and the positive power of a happy ending.  I often joke that I don't need to watch reality tv because my life has enough reality in it already.  When I watch tv it's because I need a happy ending.  I need to be encouraged.  Hallmark movies remind me of how much my parents loved me and believed in me.  Some days I am better at staying positive than others.  Some days I wonder why I've achieved more of my professional dreams than my personal ones.  Some days I have more questions than answers.  

Christmas morning I was watching one of these Hallmark movies.  The female lead was talking to Santa about her future.  Santa told her she had all the answers already. The female lead told Santa that all she had so far were lots of questions.  When I heard this line I laughed.  Boy did I howl.  I could so relate to her questions, and in that moment I realized I was having a personal epiphany.

Teaching was not part of my childhood dreams.  When people ask me how I found out about the job I currently have I always reply that it is the best detour God ever put me on.  Every time I've started a job search, the job I have ended up getting was never even in the mix when I started.  When I was in college, I thought I would end up working in advertising or publishing.  I wanted to write.  Yet here I am in my eleventh year of teaching first grade, and I can't imagine not being connected to education.  It feels like my calling found me.  God had an even better dream for me than I ever could have imagined. I never know when He is going to surprise me.  

These personal dreams I haven't realized yet keep me connected to others, keep me actively learning, and keep me seeking.  If I had planned my career path based on my college goals and not listened to that still small voice, I would have missed out on the joy of watching young children discover their own gifts.  I would have missed out on the miracle of seeing a child read with understanding for the first time.  I would have missed out on watching the joy first graders create when they make stuff together.  Just as God had an even bigger dream for me professionally than I imagined,  of course He has an even bigger dream for me personally.  I struggle when I forget to listen for His counsel and when I mistakenly think I can plan everything.

This past summer God used one of my favorite Phillies, Justin De Fratus,  to remind me to put my personal dreams in perspective.  Not knowing my story, Justin suggested I read The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis.  This book helped me on so many levels.  It helped me to see myself the way God sees me.  As an educator I often make the mistake of dwelling on all the things I need to improve and forget to celebrate my gifts.  

We all need to choose to have a half full glass every day.

If I achieved every dream I would have no reason to seek God's counsel or read His Word.  My questions and dreams encourage me to discuss my faith with others.  My questions and dreams fuel my love of learning and make me a better teacher.  My questions and dreams draw me closer to God.  I'm good with having more questions than answers now.  My future is (and always has been) in His hands.

Keep dreaming, Ellen...

My Donny and Marie Christmas...

One of my most vivid Christmas memories is of the year I asked Santa for Donny and Marie's Make the World Go Away record.  I was so excited when I opened that package and saw my favorite singers smiling at me on the cover.  My joy was short lived when we put the record on my parent's stereo and discovered the elves had made an error.  Instead of putting Donny and Marie in the record cover, they had put in a recording by Lou Rawls.  I cried.  Boy did I cry.  Then amazingly, within a few days, the elves had fixed their error, and I was finally able to listen to my favorite singers.  I didn't find this funny at the time, but now it makes me smile.  I really should have told Donny Osmond this story years later when I met him after one of his concerts.  As I write this I am contemplating searching for Lou Rawls in my Prime Music library.  I have a feeling I have been missing out on some great music because of this experience:)

Christmas also reminds me of my Mom and her love of music.  She sang solos in church, and she loved being part of our church choir.  It was a big deal when we were old enough to sing with the grown ups on Christmas Eve.  Fred Waring made this amazing arrangement of O Holy Night.  When I close my eyes I see lots of candlelight reflecting off our maroon choir robes, and I can hear our part, my favorite part, "Noel, Noel."  To this day, O Holy Night is my favorite carol,  and the sound of it always brings me happy tears.  One of my Mom's last Christmases she surprised me with Fred Waring's recording of O Holy Night.  We both cried as we reflected on that cherished Christmas tradition.  

Now if I need to remember my Donny and Marie days I could turn to YouTube.  If I need to hear O Holy Night, I can put on my Fred Waring cd.  However, I prefer to close my eyes and remember how much my parents loved me, how fortunate I am to be called to teach and how blessed I am with wonderful friends.  

My prayer for all of my teacher friends is that this break recharges you, reminds you of your own Donny and Marie moments and that His perfect peace surrounds you.  Happy Birthday, Jesus!