Christmas is a time of reflection for me, and it can be difficult because of the losses I've experienced and the dreams I haven't realized yet. Note I said yet.
One tradition I started after my Mom passed away was I watch as many Hallmark Christmas movies as I can. These happy predictable stories have helped me to stay positive and to deal with my grief. They are exactly the kind of movies we would have enjoyed together on a Sunday afternoon. When I'm watching these movies I am reminded of the time we spent enjoying each other's presence and the positive power of a happy ending. I often joke that I don't need to watch reality tv because my life has enough reality in it already. When I watch tv it's because I need a happy ending. I need to be encouraged. Hallmark movies remind me of how much my parents loved me and believed in me. Some days I am better at staying positive than others. Some days I wonder why I've achieved more of my professional dreams than my personal ones. Some days I have more questions than answers.
Christmas morning I was watching one of these Hallmark movies. The female lead was talking to Santa about her future. Santa told her she had all the answers already. The female lead told Santa that all she had so far were lots of questions. When I heard this line I laughed. Boy did I howl. I could so relate to her questions, and in that moment I realized I was having a personal epiphany.
Teaching was not part of my childhood dreams. When people ask me how I found out about the job I currently have I always reply that it is the best detour God ever put me on. Every time I've started a job search, the job I have ended up getting was never even in the mix when I started. When I was in college, I thought I would end up working in advertising or publishing. I wanted to write. Yet here I am in my eleventh year of teaching first grade, and I can't imagine not being connected to education. It feels like my calling found me. God had an even better dream for me than I ever could have imagined. I never know when He is going to surprise me.
These personal dreams I haven't realized yet keep me connected to others, keep me actively learning, and keep me seeking. If I had planned my career path based on my college goals and not listened to that still small voice, I would have missed out on the joy of watching young children discover their own gifts. I would have missed out on the miracle of seeing a child read with understanding for the first time. I would have missed out on watching the joy first graders create when they make stuff together. Just as God had an even bigger dream for me professionally than I imagined, of course He has an even bigger dream for me personally. I struggle when I forget to listen for His counsel and when I mistakenly think I can plan everything.
This past summer God used one of my favorite Phillies, Justin De Fratus, to remind me to put my personal dreams in perspective. Not knowing my story, Justin suggested I read The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis. This book helped me on so many levels. It helped me to see myself the way God sees me. As an educator I often make the mistake of dwelling on all the things I need to improve and forget to celebrate my gifts.
We all need to choose to have a half full glass every day.
If I achieved every dream I would have no reason to seek God's counsel or read His Word. My questions and dreams encourage me to discuss my faith with others. My questions and dreams fuel my love of learning and make me a better teacher. My questions and dreams draw me closer to God. I'm good with having more questions than answers now. My future is (and always has been) in His hands.
Keep dreaming, Ellen...
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