Let's Take a Walk....

I'm currently reading a book my friend and colleague Betsy recommended.  Walk in Their Shoes by Jim Ziolkowski has me on the edge of my seat and pondering many things.  Ziolkowski mentions several times that Jesus said "Fear is useless, what is needed is trust."  (Luke 8:50/Mark 5:36) I'm only halfway through the book, but the verse has been a refrain in my head since I started reading.

I lost my Dad to bone cancer at age 19.  My Dad was 60 when he passed away.  Up until his diagnosis, I think my biggest fears were probably roller coasters and escalators.  I dreamed as a child of being a wife and a mom.  If you had asked me between ages 7-15 what I would be when I grew up I would have said confidently "I'm going to be a wife, a mother, and a writer." I never dreamed my Dad wouldn't see me become an adult.  

But in one month's time during my 16th summer, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, his father passed away, and his mother had a colostomy.  This was the first time I felt my need for God.  I remember feeling moments of unexplainable peace.  The night the hospital called my Mom to say it wouldn't be long, I didn't believe it was Dad's time.  I felt unexplainable peace as we rode to the hospital.  I had tried all semester to get a ride home from college to see my Dad.  When the opportunity to come home came, I saw that as a miracle.  I couldn't imagine that I was coming home to say good bye to my Dad.

As my 20s passed into my 30s, my biggest fear became wondering if God would call my Mom before I was a wife and a mother.  What would I do if I had to face her death alone? I couldn't imagine my life without both of my parents and no family of my own.  Surely that wouldn't be God's will.

Early May 2003, my Mom and I were enjoying a sunny Sunday afternoon on her patio. Several male cardinals were circling between bushes in her backyard.  We discussed Mom's belief that God used cardinals to show my Mom that my Dad was still really close to her.  Mom believed this was how God showed her that their love didn't die with my Dad.  As we talked, I asked her if she could tell me what our signal would be when she passed.  I didn't want to be morbid, but I thought it would help me to know so I wouldn't have any doubts when God did call her home.  

I'll never forget my Mom's response.  "Honey, trust me.  When the time comes, you'll know."  

Little did I know that 6 weeks later, a week that started with rainbows, literal rainbows, would be the week I would find out.  Rainbows would be God's way of reassuring me that my Mom's love for me didn't die with her.  Mom passed away on June 10, 2003.  I was now living with my worst fear realized.

The weeks and months that followed my Mom's passing are a blur to me now.  I was never without help and support when I needed it.  Two of my friends, Shirley and Jill, had both lost their mothers at the same age I was when my Mom passed.  Shirley and Jill helped me throughout the process of cleaning out my Mom's townhouse and were with me on the day I turned in her keys.  Family members came when they could, and friends were there when I needed more hands and to give me support throughout the process.  I had never thought when I gave my Mom gifts that one day I would have to decide what to do with those gifts.  

Fast forward 13 years, and I am still doing my best to channel my inner Mary Tyler Moore and hold on to the confidence that I too am "gonna make it after all."  I have Hope and believe that God has beautiful things in store for me.  When my fears seem to overshadow that Hope, I pray harder.  I seek good counsel, and I ask for help when I need it.  One remarkable consequence of my not quite 2 years on Twitter is the growing trust I have in myself and my talents.  I see failure as reality PD.  If a lesson doesn't go well, I know God will use it to show me a much more effective way to teach that content. I trust that I'm not alone in my efforts to help my students.  I trust that there will always be people to help me guide my students as they learn and make progress every day.  

I have learned that fear really is useless.  Trust is what is necessary.  Thankfully, that's a tool that does not depend on the strength of my wifi connection:)

Getting Ready...

We were so ready.  My students had drawn pictures of their favorite part of our presentation on Africa yesterday.  We had written questions to ask our friends at CHAT House in Uganda.  I had charged both my camera batteries and cleared my phone.  I was pacing the floor in excited anticipation of our Skype session.  I had tweeted first thing this morning about how excited I was for my students to meet our friends in Uganda for the first time.  I had prayed we would have no technical difficulties.  When our principal walked in you could only hear the sound of the kids breathing and their papers rattling.

But through reasons none of us could explain, our call failed and we weren't able to talk with them today.  In hopeful anticipation of our technical difficulties being resolved by next Wednesday when we try again to Skype with our friends, I decided to post what I wrote on the evening of our first Skype last year with our CHAT House friends.  

I am excited that my students still have 3 Skypes with these children to look forward to.  Hope you all had a wonderful Wednesday!

"Let us greet each other with a smile, for a smile is the beginning of love." Mother Teresa

Today I had a small taste of what Mother Teresa was talking about.  Seeing the smiles of the CHAT House children, hearing their answers to our questions, and seeing their joy in action was life changing for me.  I am reminded of why I became a teacher.  I want every child to have the same hope my parents gave me by telling me the story of the Gospel.  Jesus has walked with me every step of my life, and I want all children to have that Gift.  Hope that only Christ can give.

I know as my first graders get to know these children better, they will see how Jesus' Love for all of us connects us.  They will see that His Love for us is the only thing that matters.  

For more information on this amazing ministry organization, please visit www.chattothefuture.ca.

Ellen Deem

February 6, 2015

Ride Your Bike, Ellen...

I didn't learn how to ride my bike until I was 9 years old.  I was terrified to get on my forest green Schwinn with it's sparkly silver banana seat and lunge myself forward.  No amount of coaching was going to convince me that attempting to ride that shaky form of transportation was a good idea.  

If it wasn't coaching or encouragement from my parents, what was it that finally got to me overcome my fear of two-wheelers you ask?  It was the sight of my 7 year old brother enjoying himself while riding my bike.  When I saw him having a grand time on MY bike, I was livid.  I got on my bike, rode across our yard, rode down our neighbor's driveway, and ran right into the mail boxes at the bottom of that driveway.  When I close my eyes I can still recall the goose egg that first ride gave me.

This memory makes me question something that has been bugging me about teaching for quite awhile.  If all children don't learn to ride a bike at the same age, why do we expect all children to read at the same rate and at the same level when they are in the same grade?  Why are we not focusing on helping each child make growth every day?  Some days I daydream of teaching in a classroom that is similar to the learning I do with my PLN.  I'm not chatting, tweeting, reading, or Skyping for credit, or a grade.  I'm not doing these things to reach a certain benchmark.  I'm doing these things because I know they will make me a better teacher which will result in my students becoming better learners.  At the end of the day, I want my students to feel proud of their accomplishments and more determined to face their fears.  I want my students to help each other to solve problems and to encourage each other to keep trying regardless of the obstacles they encounter.

I want them to know it's okay if they aren't ready to ride a bike until their 9th birthday.

Determined Dottie...

This morning I woke up to discover my friend had a new blog post.  This educator friend, who I've never been in the same room with, has made a big difference in my role as a lead learner in the last two years.  He has encouraged me to stretch, to explore new territory, to grow, to question, and most importantly to learn to embrace being uncomfortable.  Every day I wonder if my best efforts are enough.  But this friend is just one of a growing tribe who remind me daily it's not about you or me or we; it's about our students.  We are a team working together for one goal...every child will make remarkable progress while learning every day.

His latest post was about connecting the dots.  I won't try to paraphrase what he did a great job describing.  Here is a link to that post https://shiftparadigm2011.wordpress.com/.  Make sure you take a tour of his blog while you are there.  You'll be glad you did.

When I reflect on my elementary and secondary years certain teachers stand out.  I remember I wanted more than anything to have handwriting like my 4th and 5th grade teacher Mrs. Aquaviva.  I remember Mrs. Loomis because I knew she loved us.  The only two things I can see vividly in my memory regarding my first grade year with her were the monarch butterflies we raised, and her smile.  I remember how much my principal in middle school Mr. Kosinski made me laugh, and how much he believed in me.  I remember Mr. Steinbrenner working extra hard to help me understand algebra, and I remember Mr. Wilharm for his patience.  In high school my music teacher and choir director Mrs. Weaver showed me how music can inspire and encourage and uplift us.  I stand taller today because of my time with her.  I also remember the energy of Mr. Eichert, my high school biology teacher.  He made me excited about fruit flies.  You read that right...fruit flies.

I also recall coming home from kindergarten being very upset because I couldn't find a quiet place to color.  On a different day in kindergarten I recall being very upset with my teacher because she told me there was no way my parents were 12 and 14 years old.  I told her there was no way my parents would have lied to me.  I can laugh now about my parents' wisdom in not telling me their real ages when I was 5, but the memory of being a frustrated coloring student sticks with me.  I also recall being very upset when in 4th or 5th grade some fellow students and I were told to change our bulletin board honoring our teachers.  We had written Thank God for our teachers, and our teacher had the difficult task of explaining to us why we needed to change it to Thank goodness for our teachers.

So on the afternoon of the Super Bowl, when most of my fellow Charlotteans are watching pre game coverage I find myself pondering these questions.  How do I connect more dots for my students?  How do I meet them where they are and lift them up and encourage them to reach for the impossible? How do I show them they matter, and they will make this world a better place?

My nephew's elementary school made a video to cheer our Panthers on to victory today.  My hope is that regardless of whether the trophy ends up in Charlotte or Denver, that all those involved use their success to get others even more excited about educating our children than they are about Super Bowl rings, half time shows, or funny tv commercials.  For me, sports give me encouragement to keep doing what I'm doing regardless of how discouraged I may get some days.  I want to remain determined to connect the dots so my students realize their full potential.  From this day forward, I think I will call myself Determined Dottie:)

Go Panthers!

Keep Dreaming, Ellen...

When I was in first grade I remember we made ceramic Christmas ornaments as a family.  I loved painting my Christmas tree ornament.  What I didn't know at the time was how much my parents were struggling financially.  I don't remember what I asked Santa for that year.  I do remember how much fun we had creating those family treasures.

Christmas is a time of reflection for me, and it can be difficult because of the losses I've experienced and the dreams I haven't realized yet.   Note I said yet.  

One tradition I started after my Mom passed away was I watch as many Hallmark Christmas movies as I can.  These happy predictable stories have helped me to stay positive and to deal with my grief.  They are exactly the kind of movies we would have enjoyed together on a Sunday afternoon.  When I'm watching these movies I am reminded of the time we spent enjoying each other's presence and the positive power of a happy ending.  I often joke that I don't need to watch reality tv because my life has enough reality in it already.  When I watch tv it's because I need a happy ending.  I need to be encouraged.  Hallmark movies remind me of how much my parents loved me and believed in me.  Some days I am better at staying positive than others.  Some days I wonder why I've achieved more of my professional dreams than my personal ones.  Some days I have more questions than answers.  

Christmas morning I was watching one of these Hallmark movies.  The female lead was talking to Santa about her future.  Santa told her she had all the answers already. The female lead told Santa that all she had so far were lots of questions.  When I heard this line I laughed.  Boy did I howl.  I could so relate to her questions, and in that moment I realized I was having a personal epiphany.

Teaching was not part of my childhood dreams.  When people ask me how I found out about the job I currently have I always reply that it is the best detour God ever put me on.  Every time I've started a job search, the job I have ended up getting was never even in the mix when I started.  When I was in college, I thought I would end up working in advertising or publishing.  I wanted to write.  Yet here I am in my eleventh year of teaching first grade, and I can't imagine not being connected to education.  It feels like my calling found me.  God had an even better dream for me than I ever could have imagined. I never know when He is going to surprise me.  

These personal dreams I haven't realized yet keep me connected to others, keep me actively learning, and keep me seeking.  If I had planned my career path based on my college goals and not listened to that still small voice, I would have missed out on the joy of watching young children discover their own gifts.  I would have missed out on the miracle of seeing a child read with understanding for the first time.  I would have missed out on watching the joy first graders create when they make stuff together.  Just as God had an even bigger dream for me professionally than I imagined,  of course He has an even bigger dream for me personally.  I struggle when I forget to listen for His counsel and when I mistakenly think I can plan everything.

This past summer God used one of my favorite Phillies, Justin De Fratus,  to remind me to put my personal dreams in perspective.  Not knowing my story, Justin suggested I read The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis.  This book helped me on so many levels.  It helped me to see myself the way God sees me.  As an educator I often make the mistake of dwelling on all the things I need to improve and forget to celebrate my gifts.  

We all need to choose to have a half full glass every day.

If I achieved every dream I would have no reason to seek God's counsel or read His Word.  My questions and dreams encourage me to discuss my faith with others.  My questions and dreams fuel my love of learning and make me a better teacher.  My questions and dreams draw me closer to God.  I'm good with having more questions than answers now.  My future is (and always has been) in His hands.

Keep dreaming, Ellen...

My Donny and Marie Christmas...

One of my most vivid Christmas memories is of the year I asked Santa for Donny and Marie's Make the World Go Away record.  I was so excited when I opened that package and saw my favorite singers smiling at me on the cover.  My joy was short lived when we put the record on my parent's stereo and discovered the elves had made an error.  Instead of putting Donny and Marie in the record cover, they had put in a recording by Lou Rawls.  I cried.  Boy did I cry.  Then amazingly, within a few days, the elves had fixed their error, and I was finally able to listen to my favorite singers.  I didn't find this funny at the time, but now it makes me smile.  I really should have told Donny Osmond this story years later when I met him after one of his concerts.  As I write this I am contemplating searching for Lou Rawls in my Prime Music library.  I have a feeling I have been missing out on some great music because of this experience:)

Christmas also reminds me of my Mom and her love of music.  She sang solos in church, and she loved being part of our church choir.  It was a big deal when we were old enough to sing with the grown ups on Christmas Eve.  Fred Waring made this amazing arrangement of O Holy Night.  When I close my eyes I see lots of candlelight reflecting off our maroon choir robes, and I can hear our part, my favorite part, "Noel, Noel."  To this day, O Holy Night is my favorite carol,  and the sound of it always brings me happy tears.  One of my Mom's last Christmases she surprised me with Fred Waring's recording of O Holy Night.  We both cried as we reflected on that cherished Christmas tradition.  

Now if I need to remember my Donny and Marie days I could turn to YouTube.  If I need to hear O Holy Night, I can put on my Fred Waring cd.  However, I prefer to close my eyes and remember how much my parents loved me, how fortunate I am to be called to teach and how blessed I am with wonderful friends.  

My prayer for all of my teacher friends is that this break recharges you, reminds you of your own Donny and Marie moments and that His perfect peace surrounds you.  Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Safe Places

Safe Places.  As I was driving to church this morning I was reflecting on where I feel the most safe.  Where can I truly be me?  Where can I go to recharge?  Where am I most comfortable sharing my gifts, and where can I acknowledge my brokenness?

For years I thought the answer to growing closer to God was a large church.  Attending a large church would offer me more opportunities to meet people and more opportunities to study the Bible and serve.  Last June God showed me that He wanted me to follow His lead, not mine.  His lead took me to a small church.  When my friends ask me to describe my church I say, "It's like a large small group.  They're my extended family.  It's my safe place."

Today's message reminded me of how much God knows my needs better than I do.  The text came from 1 Peter 2 and the big idea was "Don't let your circumstances cause you to forget Who rescued you."  Last week's big idea was "Hope does not deny the struggle but Hope gives you the ability to see beyond the struggle."  I can't stop thinking about how much these two messages apply to teaching.  Whether a student faces an academic or social challenge, my prayer is that my actions will reflect that Hope.  I pray daily that every activity, project, and assignment I give results in growth and progress for all of my students.  

This past May I went to Montreat, North Carolina, with some of the women from my church and our sister church.  When the opportunity to climb a mountain presented itself, I decided I wanted to try.  Even though I knew it would be hard with my asthma and allergies, I really wanted to share in this adventure with my friends.  Early in our hike I realized I was going to have a very difficult time keeping up with them.  Before I could even contemplate having a pity party for myself, these ladies made the decision to have me be first up the mountain.  They let me set the pace.  When I needed to catch my breath they all rested with me.  When I sat down on the top of Lookout Mountain I literally understood what "breath taking" means.  I was just as much in awe of the view as I was in awe of the people God placed in my life to make sure I got to the top.  God used these women to give me Hope that day.  They helped me to see beyond the mountain that at first seemed insurmountable.  They showed me how much I am loved by God.

My hope and prayer for this school year is that I encourage my first graders to do the same for each other.  I see a mountain climbing activity idea in our future:)