I lost my Dad to bone cancer at age 19. My Dad was 60 when he passed away. Up until his diagnosis, I think my biggest fears were probably roller coasters and escalators. I dreamed as a child of being a wife and a mom. If you had asked me between ages 7-15 what I would be when I grew up I would have said confidently "I'm going to be a wife, a mother, and a writer." I never dreamed my Dad wouldn't see me become an adult.
But in one month's time during my 16th summer, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, his father passed away, and his mother had a colostomy. This was the first time I felt my need for God. I remember feeling moments of unexplainable peace. The night the hospital called my Mom to say it wouldn't be long, I didn't believe it was Dad's time. I felt unexplainable peace as we rode to the hospital. I had tried all semester to get a ride home from college to see my Dad. When the opportunity to come home came, I saw that as a miracle. I couldn't imagine that I was coming home to say good bye to my Dad.
As my 20s passed into my 30s, my biggest fear became wondering if God would call my Mom before I was a wife and a mother. What would I do if I had to face her death alone? I couldn't imagine my life without both of my parents and no family of my own. Surely that wouldn't be God's will.
Early May 2003, my Mom and I were enjoying a sunny Sunday afternoon on her patio. Several male cardinals were circling between bushes in her backyard. We discussed Mom's belief that God used cardinals to show my Mom that my Dad was still really close to her. Mom believed this was how God showed her that their love didn't die with my Dad. As we talked, I asked her if she could tell me what our signal would be when she passed. I didn't want to be morbid, but I thought it would help me to know so I wouldn't have any doubts when God did call her home.
I'll never forget my Mom's response. "Honey, trust me. When the time comes, you'll know."
Little did I know that 6 weeks later, a week that started with rainbows, literal rainbows, would be the week I would find out. Rainbows would be God's way of reassuring me that my Mom's love for me didn't die with her. Mom passed away on June 10, 2003. I was now living with my worst fear realized.
The weeks and months that followed my Mom's passing are a blur to me now. I was never without help and support when I needed it. Two of my friends, Shirley and Jill, had both lost their mothers at the same age I was when my Mom passed. Shirley and Jill helped me throughout the process of cleaning out my Mom's townhouse and were with me on the day I turned in her keys. Family members came when they could, and friends were there when I needed more hands and to give me support throughout the process. I had never thought when I gave my Mom gifts that one day I would have to decide what to do with those gifts.
Fast forward 13 years, and I am still doing my best to channel my inner Mary Tyler Moore and hold on to the confidence that I too am "gonna make it after all." I have Hope and believe that God has beautiful things in store for me. When my fears seem to overshadow that Hope, I pray harder. I seek good counsel, and I ask for help when I need it. One remarkable consequence of my not quite 2 years on Twitter is the growing trust I have in myself and my talents. I see failure as reality PD. If a lesson doesn't go well, I know God will use it to show me a much more effective way to teach that content. I trust that I'm not alone in my efforts to help my students. I trust that there will always be people to help me guide my students as they learn and make progress every day.
I have learned that fear really is useless. Trust is what is necessary. Thankfully, that's a tool that does not depend on the strength of my wifi connection:)
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